It’s Valentine’s day…what’s that got to do with your career? Quite a lot, actually. Here’s my story: My wife and I have been together since we were teenagers. I’m 46 now, so I’ve been with her for far longer than I’ve been without her.
When you’re early in career, you’re always on the lookout for the next step up in seniority and influence. Much of our clambering for affirmation and applause is because we lack a sense of identity and value, which is distinct from the work of our own hands. We believe we are what we do, and how well we do it. Climbing the corporate ladder is one way of validating this belief.
Assuming you mature in wisdom as you get older (not always a given), you figure out in time that this is a trap. That inner churn is a cosmic hamster wheel, and eventually we get tired of running on it. But the wheel never stops, and before you know it (like the cats in those internet videos), we’re head over heels in existential crisis about who we are, and why we matter.
Let me be very direct: if pursuing your dreams means leaving your loved ones behind, you have the wrong dreams. I got it wrong at times earlier in my career, but thankfully, there’s nothing that love, grace, and humility can’t fix.
So be excellent at your job. Excellence matters. Give 100% of yourself to it, when you’re working. But give 0% of yourself to it, when it’s time to be present with your loved ones. In the end, your company will move on without you. In fact, you will be surprised, saddened even, how fast they will forget you and move on. But that’s not true for your loved ones.
So consider:
- It takes a lot of courage to say no to a good opportunity.
- It takes a lot of maturity to protect the margin you need to love people well (that includes yourself).
- I used to be impressed by the people that did The Big Thing. Now I’m impressed by the people who intentionally choose a kind of smallness/hiddenness, because doing The Big Thing will mean they can’t be the person they want to be for others, and they aren’t willing to sacrifice them on the altar of their own ambition.
- Understanding who you really are, and why you matter, is the only way to escape the inner churn that drives us to the hamster wheel.